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In general, I am not a silly-humor kind of person. Apologies to all of the Chris Farley and Will Ferrell-loving folks but, that kind of comedy usually isn’t my thing. So, this year, as I (again) watched National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and found myself laughing, tearing up, and laughing again I questioned, “What is it with this movie? Why in the world do I love it so much?” It was then I made the connection…

It’s because I am Clark Griswold.

This comparison might seem strange. But, as I will demonstrate, when it comes to life’s potentially magical moments, I tend to be high on vision and emotion…and sometimes (very) low on practicality, rationale, and execution. Please consider the following examples:

• That time I impulsively decided I wanted to see the hospital where I was born. My Mom had to come bail me out on the Kansas Turnpike because I didn’t have change for the toll booth to complete the trip.
  
  
• When I measured our existing shower door in the middle of the night because I wanted to surprise my husband with a bathroom makeover. Shockingly, for this never-have-I-ever-measured-or-installed-a-shower-door gal, the one I ordered didn’t fit. We lost a couple of hundred dollars, and my brother-in-law had to come install a different one.
  
  
• When I wanted to see the Northern Lights so badly, we took my husband out of work and our kids out of school and drove north through the night. We got to Minnesota and almost ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere before I was willing to give up.
  
  
• That time I “forced” my sisters and our (very) young children to complete a 5K Turkey Trot at Thanksgiving because-it-was-tradition-gosh-darn-it.
  
  
• Every time I have been disappointed by “the moment fairy.”
  
  
• I am routinely not particularly safe or sensible when I put Christmas lights on our home.
  
  
• In general, a this-is-gonna-be-great-lets-not-ruin-the-organic-magic-with-planning attitude.

After reading that list, it’s almost embarrassing that an adult can get that caught up in achieving a moment. And yet, if I identify with one of the most iconic Christmas characters of all time, I know I’m not alone. For all of you who are your family’s Clark Griswold, or for those of you who have to deal with us, here are some tips to consider…

• We “Clarks” mean well. We really, really do. We love our people and our moments so much that we will extend ourselves, our sanity, and our imaginations to bring about something we hope will bring joy.
  
  
• We can learn. Over time, we learn (albeit slowly) what traditions are worth fighting for and what can be relaxed.
  
  
• We really do know what matters. In fact, the important stuff (togetherness, love, connection, Jesus) is why we try so hard to create opportunities for these moments to happen.
  
  
• We know we are ridiculous. Often, as we push to make something “just so”, we are also being pretty hard on ourselves internally. Be gentle if/when you need to redirect us.
  
  
• We are grateful when you appreciate the effort, even if it doesn’t go as planned. A thank you for trying to create magic goes a long way when things (often) go sideways.
  
  
• We serve an important purpose. Clark Griswolds, while we can be a little “much”, are the preservers of the family. We remember the traditions. We re-tell the stories. We (try) to make the old recipes, use the old decorations, and preserve the past for future generations. And, every once in a while, we succeed in our hope to create a moment that will live in our collective hearts, minds, and memories forever.

Here’s the Clark Griswolds of the world…and those who love them.

For more of Anne’s mental health and faith content check out her blog, Bible studies, and speaking engagements!

*Photo and video © National Lampoon Christmas Vacation

“It’s aliiiiiive!” You can hear the line in your head. Even if you’ve never seen the classic 1931 film adaptation of Frankenstein, you certainly know the general concept. Lit in crude black and white, a scientist and his assistant steal bodies, sewing the parts of people together to create another. They set the body in motion with electricity, thrilled with their craftsmanship. The pieced-together monster is initially gentle, only to get out of control as they discover they put in the wrong brain. The scientist had hoped to combine all the “good parts” to create something he thought was a better design. Too bad those parts weren’t meant to go where he put them.

The concept of sewing mismatched parts together to create a person seems far-fetched but honestly, we attempt this sort of thing all the time. You will be hard-pressed to find a person who has not tried to make themselves into something they’re not. Satan (the real horror movie) is often subtle. If he can’t make you outright miserable, he’ll try to distract you into sewing yourself in the wrong place.

⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. (Romans 12:4-8, NIV)

Scripture literally describes us as the “body” of Christ, each with our own “function.” In addition, it also says “each member belongs to all the others.” So, not only do we have our own specific jobs, but we are also responsible to one another to do them! The more we stay true to our “function” the more the body will work as He designed.

Now, I can already hear some of you panicking. “Uh oh, what if I am serving somewhere I am not supposed to be?!” No worries, dear reader. This message is intended for freedom, not condemnation. Here are a few examples from when I have “mis-sewn” myself:

When I felt guilty for not serving in children’s ministry because I’m a woman and I have children…even though I’ve always been broken for teenagers and I write devotionals for grown women.

When I said yes to leading a ministry because my husband is a public figure and I felt lazy “just” working behind the scenes…even though I’m an introvert, NOT a visionary, and I really enjoy being a “doer.”

When I took on an entire family Thanksgiving meal because I wanted people to think I could do it…even though I’ve never enjoyed cooking and others had offered to help.

I want you to see the words/feelings in those examples. Guilt, comparison, envy, pride. Motivations that are not from God and not out of love. Motivations that left a spiritual Frankenstein eating a very cold, poorly seasoned Thanksgiving dinner. While God can still shower our ill-advised efforts with grace, we are far more likely to be fulfilled and effective when we are operating in God’s body rather than creating our own. He has designed you with some very specific tasks in mind. So, unless you are getting some neon sign to do something totally and completely against your design, just do the thing that makes sense and lights up your heart and blesses God’s people. Is serving God always an easy fit? No, but it’s not always hard either. Sometimes it just “works.”

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10, NIV)

Please hear this. We need you. We, the members of this body, need you to serve. We need you to recognize how essential you are and commit to being sewn in exactly where He designed you, because we all do better when you are doing your job, and we are all doing ours. The body of Christ is the most beautiful being ever created, quite literally His bride. Let’s help her walk gracefully until He comes to collect her.

For more of Anne’s mental health and faith content, check out her blog, Bible studies, and speaking engagements!

(Originally posted in October 2022, updated for freshness and clarity.)

The other day I went for a run. Now, don’t get it in your head this is a regular occurrence. I’m super high-maintenance when it comes to running. It can’t be too hot, it can’t be too cold, I need to have my headphones with the right music and someone to watch my children. And yet, by some miracle, all these things came together so off I trotted on a gorgeous fall day.

Feet pounding on the pavement, music in my ears, and surrounded by nature, I spent practically all my time looking at the trees. This is the most incredible time of year with the leaves changing, giving us new beauty almost by the hour as the colors shift from green to crimson, yellow, and brown. It got me wondering what makes the leaves change color and what makes them fall. So, I did what any high-quality researcher does…I Googled it.

As it turns out, in the spring and summer, leaves are green due to the presence of chlorophyll. Then, when the season changes, the tree does not need those leaves (or the chlorophyll) anymore. The green pigment breaks down and the leaves change color. Additionally, in order for the leaf to fall away from the tree, a special layer of cells develops at the end of the stem. The tree then seals that area, cutting the leaf off from the tree where it eventually falls away.

Here’s the cool part. That spot where the leaf falls away? It leaves a mark. And it’s called a leaf scar.

Now, that’s just beautiful.

Y’all, we are covered in leaf scars. There is no way to exist in this life, and certainly, no way to serve Christ, without getting moved in and out of seasons many, many times. I’ve always thought of scars as something that results from a wound. The product of a hard or painful season. Turns out God also “leaves” scars where there was life. Where there was beauty. Where He dropped leaves out of our lives just because it was time for another season. They are reminders of His love and faithfulness.

A great leap happens in our faith when we become grateful for every season, no matter what kind it is or what scars it leaves behind. We develop this gratitude by believing in His love for us in all seasons, difficult or abundant. By this, we come to appreciate every scar because we know He was in it all.

Remember, it was Jesus who used scars to help a doubting Thomas recognize His resurrected body. It is this same Jesus who uses our scars to help us recognize our resurrected lives. Thankful for the scars…

(All music and video rights credited to I AM THEY)

For more of Anne’s mental health and faith content, check out her blog, Bible studies, and speaking engagements!

Originally published October 2019, updated for freshness and clarity.

I don’t think we get to decide which books of the Bible are more important than others (feels like that’s above my pay grade ), but if we did, I would put Job pretty high on the list. As brutal as parts of the story are, Job’s psychological arc is both relatable and helpful when life goes inexplicably sideways. In a nutshell, it sounds something like this:

Job (abridged): “Doin’ great God. Wait, what the heck God? I didn’t do anything wrong! Why is this happening to me? Look at all the good I was doing! Don’t You see I’m suffering?…Okay, okay. I get it. You are God and I am not. Sorry about all the questioning. I trust You.”

This journey from questioning to trust when life doesn’t make sense is often the hardest journey of faith we ever take. And, one we all get to (John 16:33, James 1, Romans 5, Ecc. 3, Matt. 5:45)

However, aside from Job’s unimaginable suffering, the sourest grapes in the story are Job’s three buddies, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. These well-intentioned men start out trying to comfort him (Job 2:11-13) but quickly fall into one of mankind’s oldest traps…trying to explain God.

Buddies (abridged): “Dude, this is not good. What did you do wrong? What sin are you hiding? Just confess so God will let up. No one suffers like this unless they seriously messed up. Stop being so arrogant. What did you do? This is not how God works.”

Adding insult to injury, Job’s buddies poke his wounds with their words, attempting (as so many of us do) to explain why God does what He does. Sadly, their explanations were not only wrong, but they hurt their suffering friend who said, “…miserable comforters are you all!” (Job 16:2)

Then God Asked Job to Do What?!

Assuming you’ve made it this far, this is where my jaw dropped. When I finally got to the last chapter of Job, I was pumped! The end of Job’s suffering was at hand! Except, not yet?

In a plot twist I had not noticed before, God addresses Job’s buddies. “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has” (Job 42:7). Yikes. Then, before He does any physical restoration of Job’s suffering, God asks for something incredible. “My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly” (Job 42:8b).

Now, while we can read ahead and know God “…blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first” (Job 42:12). Job did not know that. Job, still in a state of severe pain and suffering that he did not know would end, was asked by God to pray for his buddies, his hurtful friends so that God might have mercy on them. And he did. Unbelievable.

May we consider…

• In the midst of our suffering, God may ask us to pray for someone who added to our suffering. (Matt. 5:44-45)
• If you’ve ever been a crummy friend, God has a way back to Him for you.
• In this story, God shows mercy upon both innocent and self-inflicted suffering.
• It is tempting to offer well-intentioned explanations for God, particularly in the face of suffering. Be very careful with this. We may be wrong or cause more pain.
• God decides who, when, and how situations are redeemed. The timing and order may not make sense to us.
• Sometimes God lets us in on what He’s doing and sometimes He doesn’t. Faith is accepting both.

As my journey through Job has finally ended, I find myself even more aware that I do not, nor will I ever, fully understand this God of ours. Oddly, how freeing that is.

Originally published September 2024, updated for freshness and clarity.

For more of Anne’s mental health and faith content check out her blog, Bible studies, and speaking engagements!

Photo by Samantha Sophia on Unsplash, used with permission.

“Hi honey! How was your day?!” This is how I start each day after school if I’m not careful. Of course, it’s a perfectly fine way to greet someone. The sentiment is healthy. We want to know how they are and what they’ve experienced in our absence. We are being loving. We are being invested. And, we are possibly being totally overwhelming without intending to. So, what are we to do when we’ve been missing our kid and they are finally in our care again? Here’s some ideas that are helpful and match up with the science of your kid’s after-school body and brain.

Tips for Better After-School Connection with Your Child

Offer Statements, Not Questions: Questions require a response. Statements do not. The adrenal letdown that happens once a child is out of school and back in your care can leave your kid unable to engage in the way they normally would. So, it can benefit them when we only offer input, rather than asking for something back. Welcoming statements like, “I love you buddy.” “I missed you today.” “I’m so glad to be together again” can be helpful in the transition. These types of statements offer affection and comfort without requiring a response from your depleted kiddo.

Let Them Lead: After a greeting, giving the lead over to your child is critical. When I discipline myself enough to remain quiet until they speak, we typically connect better. Sometimes they fall asleep, which is a huge indicator that talking was not in their ability. Sometimes they remain silent for most of the ride and then start talking near the end. And, sometimes they launch right in with information. It’s different each day because they’ve had different experiences each day. Letting them take the lead with their own self-care and disclosure is both loving and encourages personal leadership.

Provide Creature Comforts: Whether your kid is five or fifteen, after a long day creature comforts are super helpful. Think all the senses. Snack on hand, lovey in their seat, comfy temperature in the car, soothing music on the radio. It is hard for our bodies to relax enough to communicate when we are butting up against physical discomfort. This is not about being overly accommodating. Rather, this is about teaching them how to self-soothe even as they grow up. As adults, we know how to make ourselves a cup of tea or choose the right tunes. We have to teach them what it looks like to create comfortable experiences so they can recover and then reengage.

Empathize: Sometimes we connect more effectively with our children when we simply stop and say, “What would I need in this situation?” When adults have been in a high-energy, performance situation for many hours, we often need a moment to collect ourselves before we can engage in a discussion about the day. It doesn’t matter if we hear about our child’s day at 3:15, 5:15, or 8:15, but that time might make all the difference in how much/how well our kids can communicate. Sometimes they just need lower energy/lower stakes situations (i.e. not face-to-face, before bed with the energy/lights lower) to be able to engage.

The reality is, sometimes our kids are going to willingly share with us, and sometimes they aren’t. If we are focused on our own need to connect we are more likely to operate from our own agenda, possibly bypassing important signals from them. But, if we consider what both parties need, we will be more likely to find solutions that satisfy everyone…eventually. Remember, the measure of connection is not volume or frequency, but rather, quality. Giving our children some control over what and when they share encourages independence, self-agency, and self-care — essential skills they will need as adults. It can be hard to let them lead. But, hopefully, if we do it well when they choose to share it will be richer and more satisfying for all.

Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

Originally published October 2020, updated for freshness and clarity.

One of the very first places I ever published written work was Friday Night Wives. I am grateful to continue to write with them today. I don’t include every article I write for them here, but this one I wanted to share. See below for a preview or link here for the full article.

We’ve been living the coach’s wife life a while, twenty years in fact if you count dating and marriage. So, I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me when we were lying in bed a few weeks ago and I heard those familiar, quiet sniffles.

It’s always him who starts first and, it’s always over something small. The kids have come in for another hug. We’re talking about a memory from the summer. Or, there’s a silence when we would be talking. It’s at this point that I know what I’m going to find when I look over.

His eyes filled with tears—and then, of course, mine do too.

Him: “It’s going to be hard.”

Me: “I know.”

Him: “Tell me it’s going to be okay.”

Me: “It always is.”

Him: “I’m going to miss you guys.”

Me: “I know. I hope we always miss each other.”

Shoot. It’s hard to even type that, such an intimate moment that marks each football season in our marriage. But, even though there are so many coaching families who are pumped and ready for the season when it starts, there are also marriages like ours. Coaching marriages who know-that-they-know-that-they-know that this is their calling. And yet, it hurts every time you make the transition.

To finish the full post, link here.

Today is our wedding anniversary. Nineteen years, two kids, and five towns later, we find ourselves in this thing called marriage. As the day approached, I found myself in a reflective mood. Not about our years together, but instead, about the years before we met. The years when I would hope and dream about the man I would marry. I laugh about it now. Because I was way off base about what I needed.

I had a vision of the kind of man I wanted to marry.  The man I thought would be a good fit for me was (in all glorious self-centeredness) a lot like me. I wanted a guy who was laid-back, a little silly, and spontaneous. I was sure he was a guy who people would label as “sweet”, charming, and who was excited about having children. He would be quick to laugh, soft-spoken, gentle, and deeply in love with me. At least I got that last part right.

I’m sharing this with you today not to tout the accolades of my husband (although I sure do like him). Rather, I hope to make a point about the “why” behind God putting folks together. He does not choose them only for each other. If He did, that would only benefit you and your spouse, and rarely is God that singularly focused. Marriage is designed to be a reflection of Him, a ministry for Him, and a place for us to grow. So, I suspect He picks out folks who best complement His plan, not our own.

To that end, this guy I ended up with? He’s very little of what I thought I wanted. And every bit of what I needed. Thank goodness.

The man God paired me with is intense, pragmatic, and practical. He is deeply passionate about developing people. He has little tolerance for surface conversation, great capacity for deep discussion, and refuses to meander through life. He is purposeful and intentional and finds no greater joy than seeing people reach their potential. He is strong, capable of managing challenges and confrontation, and has to be reminded to smile so that people don’t think he’s grumpy with his buzzed hair and intense brow.

And I’m sure God did this all on purpose…

Because God knew he would be a football coach and we would be a coaching family. The guy I dreamed up wouldn’t have been cut out for this life.

Because God knew I would struggle with post-partum depression. And, I needed a partner brave enough to say having kids was hard for him, too, so I didn’t feel so inadequate.

Because God knew I would ask repeatedly for a puppy I was allergic to, and I needed someone practical enough to say no. And because our coaching ministry would later move us to a home that didn’t allow pets.

Because God knew we would almost lose a child, and we would need strength and the ability to process that experience between us, so we could later minister to others.

Because God knew, one day, He would call me to write and I would need someone brave and visionary enough to say yes to a dream with no goal or income because he believes in me.

Because. Because He knew. God knew who would be able to encourage me toward my design and who would complement our ministry as a family.

Our marriages are about us, and at the same time, they aren’t. They are ultimately about God. They are about the work God is doing in our individual lives, and they are about how our marriages fit into the work He is doing in the world around us. No matter if you ended up with the spouse of your dreams, check in with God and see if there are ways you ended up with the spouse of His dreams.

Happy Anniversary, my love. I’d choose you as my surprise every single time.

Check out more of Anne’s mental health and faith content on her blog, in her Bible studies, and through speaking engagements!

*Originally published 7/8/2019, updated for freshness and clarity.

In season nine of the hit show Friends, perfectly mismatched couple Monica and Chandler find themselves at a crossroads. Unable to conceive a child, they decide to pursue adoption. At this point, Chandler delivers the following punchline that is equally irreverent, amusing, and beautifully true.

“I want to find a baby that needs a home, and I want to raise it with you. And I want to mess it up in our own specific way.”

I love that line. Even in its Hollywood-ness, it echoes a prayer I started praying over our children from early days. They are words I’ve said countless times. “Fill in the gaps, Lord. Fill in the gaps.” Simple and powerful, I pray it because I know we are “messing it up in our own specific way.” Leaving gaps only God can see. Leaving gaps only He can fill.

Of course, we don’t aim to leave gaps in our children’s upbringing. But, as parents, we are going to make mistakes. We lose our tempers and respond occasionally in ways we shouldn’t. These mistakes are an obvious place to beg God’s mercy. But I want to take the awareness of our limitations one step further. This need for God to fill in the gaps is not only for our mistakes. Even the good we give our children will leave voids in what they need. Yes. Even the good we give our kids is insufficient. How about that for raising your parenting anxiety?! Hang in there, it’s gonna’ be okay…

You see, unlike God, we are limited to the pace and development of time. We are unable to provide everything our children need because we cannot fully see their futures. We do not know what they will face or what skills they may need. We don’t know the “good works which God prepared in advance” for them to do (Ephesians 2:10, NIV). We are raising these children not knowing what God has for them as adults. This leaves us able to only do the best we can, and then ask Him to fill in the gaps with anything else they may need.

As an example, I came from a very kind, low-confrontation home. I knew happiness and little arguing. It was wonderful and gave me a safe, solid foundation…except. In all the kindness, I was left ill-equipped to handle or resolve confrontation. Enter my husband, whose parents encouraged debate, discourse, and disagreement in love. He has taught me how to stay present in the tension and work toward resolution. My loving, low-conflict parents didn’t know I would need that one day. They did what they thought was best and God filled in the gap later for my work as a therapist, marriage speaker, and coach’s wife. He provided what I needed as I needed it.

No matter how we are raising our children, we simply cannot be everything they need. Instead, we can only prioritize what we think is best for them. Those choices may or may not be exactly what they need for their future selves, future relationships, or future professions. In our limitations, we must trust God will send people, experiences, His own teaching, and grace as a supplement. Even more importantly, we must not wish to be all things to our children, for then they will not see or understand the need for reliance on God. For this, we are devastatingly poor substitutes.

So, embrace your insufficiencies, my friends. Whether from the mistakes or from the good, go right ahead and set yourself free from trying to do it exactly right because you never fully can. It wasn’t designed that way. Just do your best and if you feel there is a way you may have left your child wanting, it is a beautiful act of faith to simply pray that God would fill that space in His time, in His way, and in His love. Remember, in our weakness, “His grace is sufficient” and “His power is made perfect” (2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV). May we all love and parent as best we can…

“Lord, fill in the gaps.”

Check out more of Anne’s mental health and faith content on her blog, in her Bible studies, and through speaking engagements!

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

(Originally published 9/23/20, updated for freshness and clarity)

Recently, outside of a closed bathroom door, I became keenly aware of something. Arms extended up the trim, leaning forward, I was talking with my daughter when it occurred to me, “I seem to be in this position a lot lately.”

If I remember clearly, the conversation that morning was about an earring issue because the whole wearing earrings thing is fairly new. But, on other mornings it has been a hair issue, an outfit issue, a tummy-doesn’t-feel-good issue, or something else not necessarily new but, my location is.

Because, instead of being inside the door to solve the problem, I’m outside. And, I’m trying to figure out how I feel about that.

To be clear, this burgeoning young lady isn’t refusing to open the door. Instead, she is saying things like:

“I want to do it myself.”
“I want to try on my own.”
“Can you just tell me what to do?”

It’s the voice of independence I have prayed for, with both of my children. However, I also grieve when it manifests in real-life words, behaviors, and attitudes.

Maybe that’s what makes it hurt a little bit more. I’ve done this to myself.

• Like the first time you read a book on your own.
• And when I stopped dressing you.
• When you jumped out of the car and didn’t look back.
• And when you spent the night. And, I didn’t get a call to come get you.

To all the Moms who have gone through this journey (or are going through it now) to the other side of the door, the other side of the text, the other side of the state, or even the other side of the world, it is both beautiful and hard to exist in this space.

And, it’s necessary.

We desperately want children who practice solving their own problems. We want young adults who say, “Teach me how to do it myself.” We want kids who know how to ask for help but also get excited when they can do more, and more, and more…all on their own.

Because, what we ultimately want, is to work ourselves out of a “job” and into life-long healthy, secure relationships with our precious kiddos.

So, as much as it hurts a little with each step you take, press on independent girl.

And, should you need me, I’ll be right here on the other side of the door.

(Originally published April 2024, updated for freshness and clarity.)

Photo by Super Snapper on Unsplash

Check out more of Anne’s mental health and faith content on her blog, in her Bible studies, and through speaking engagements!