Tag: parenting

To My Daughter: No, I’m Not “The Best Mom Ever”

Anne Rulo

When my daughter was eight, she gave me one of those small metallic-looking balloons on a stick. It read, “Best Mom Ever,” and she put it on my nightstand.

Do you know where that balloon was a year later? Still on my nightstand, full and shiny as ever, because those balloons apparently never, ever die.

The day I finally freed the balloon to its final resting place, I had a thought. “I hope she doesn’t always think I’m ‘the best Mom ever.’ I guess I’m going to have to tell her that.”

Anne Rulo Not Best Mom Ever

You Get What You Get

Of course, we all get what we get when it comes to Moms. And, a lot of folks have Mom pain, Mom conflict, and/or estranged relationships with their Mamas. Yes, that Mom-child relationship can be difficult, complicated, and painful.

But what if you hit the Mom jackpot? Like, you ended up with an incredible Mom who fits you like a glove, loves you, cherishes you, and still supports you to this day?

This, dear readers, is the kind of Mom I got. She is exceptional. Which is why I know exactly what I need to tell my own daughter someday.

You see, when you get a great Mom like mine, you don’t think about what you want to do differently with your own children. Instead, because you saw someone do it so well, you think doing it like she did is the way to go. And (despite her never suggesting that her way was the “right” way) once I became a Mom, I really did try to do it like she did…for a while. But what I ended up finding out was that I couldn’t do it “just like her.”

Turns out, that’s because I’m me.

My kids are different from the ones she had. My husband is different than the one she parented with. The time, place, and culture where we live are different than when she raised kids. Yes, I realize now how silly it was for me to think that doing it just like she did was even an option. There are too many variables.

And, there are so many good and different ways to be a great Mom.

That is what I need my daughter, all daughters, to know.

An Important PSA for the Daughters of Mothers They Admire

My precious daughter, there is no such thing as “the best Mom ever.” There is, simply, the one that you got. I tried my best with the time, talents, and gifts God gave me to love you well. But one of the biggest gifts I can ever give you is to know you don’t have to be like me. Instead, you have the freedom to be you. As a woman, as a wife, and, of course, as a Mom.

And I will be right here cheering you on. Just like my own Mom did for me.

Check out more of Anne’s mental health and faith content on her blog, in her Bible studies, and through speaking engagements!

Photo by Eldar Nazarov on Unsplash, used with permission

Why It’s Hard to Say We’re Wrong

Anne Rulo

The other day I called my husband and my Mom answered. This was very strange since he was at work and we live over 150 miles from her. My internal dialogue, when she answered, was as follows:

“Why is Mom there?”
“Wait, no. The phone company must have mixed up my close contacts.”
“Ohhh, maybe I dialed the wrong number.”

That’s right. Not until the third try did I possibly consider that my Mom had neither traveled for hours without my knowledge to hang out with my husband at work nor had the cell towers conflated my contacts. And, while I wish this were the only example…

Later that same day, I went to pick up my son from archery practice. When he didn’t come out right away it began again:

“That’s weird, he’s usually out here early.”
“Huh, all the other kids are coming and going. He must have had to stay.”
(teacher starts walking towards my car…) “Hi, Caleb has archery for the next hour.”

“Ohhh. I’m an hour early.”

Anne Rulo Why It's Psychologically Hard to Say We're Wrong

10 Reasons It’s Psychologically Hard to Say We’re Wrong

While these are (very) silly examples. It’s a good illustration of how hard it is for our brains to shift when we are “certain” we are right. Even when facts that should change our minds are right in front of us, it can be hard to switch. I hope my own ridiculous day of miscues can remind us of the following:

  1. Considering being wrong requires intentionality.
  2. Considering being wrong requires practice.
  3. Our brains will try to convince us we are right unless we are willing to consider evidence that suggests otherwise.
  4. While pride may be a reason we don’t want to believe we are wrong, there are psychological hurdles even before that we have to overcome.
  5. One reason these hurdles exist is because habitual thinking is how our brains are wired.
  6. Additionally, it just feels better psychologically and emotionally to consider confirming, rather than disconfirming, information.
  7. We are in danger of staying wrong if we create unhealthy echo chambers.
  8. Because of how much effort it takes our brains to consider we might be wrong, when things aren’t adding up we may need to say out loud, “Are there other options I’m not considering?”
  9. Being able to consider that we may be wrong and/or compromise is essential to healthy relationships.
  10. If you discover you are wrong, or someone else recognizes they are wrong, receive this with gentleness and compassion so the process becomes welcome, rather than psychologically “scary.”

Remember, we are all human, flawed creatures. This means sometimes we aren’t going to have all the information, misunderstand, or just plain make a mistake.

May we all enhance our ability to consider we may be wrong and/or receive the mistakes of others with grace. It sure does sound like a gentler, more compassionate way forward.

Photo by George Becker, used with permission.