My aunt recently sent me a book, The Gift of Perspective, by Kansas City author Lindsey Roy. While the entire story is chock-full of inspiration on coping with adversity, it was the brief mention of a question she occasionally asks her kids that really blessed me.
“Every once in a while, I tell my kids and husband we are going to do family performance reviews. Each person gets to tell the other members of the family one thing they really appreciate and one thing they wish the other person would start/stop/change…most kids get plenty of feedback from [their] parents, so it’s useful to turn the tables.” (p. 29)
She goes on to say that while not every suggestion will be good or lead to action, the perspective you can gain is valuable. And so, (rather impulsively I might add) I asked the question. Turns out, she was right.
First up, my (8yo) daughter. “Hey, what is one thing Mommy does well and one thing you would like her to do differently?” After reassuring her this was not a trick and I really wanted to know, she said:
“I love that you keep the house picked up and tidy, like the pillows on the couch.” And, “I wish you would cook more.”
Okay, “I wish you would cook more” was not a surprise, I don’t like cooking. But, the reason around it was. She meant she wanted me to be more prepared with food rather than waiting until the last minute or forgetting snacks. She wasn’t asking me to change what I cook. It was just thinking about food in a way that helped her feel more secure. I get that.
But, the house picked up? You could have knocked me over with a feather because this child is a wake of creative chaos. She moves from one activity, mess, set of supplies, etc. with complete abandon. For her to want a “tidy” home completely shocked me until we kept talking and I got it. Her home is the space that allows her to explore who she is. And, for her, it’s easier to do that in a calm, clean space.
On to my (12yo) son. His first answer was a total dude response, “I love everything you do Mom.” Okay kid, fine. But, he did ask for one change. “Will you learn to play video games so we can play together?” Further conversation polished something I already knew. This child loves games of any kind. And, he’s hyper-competitive. Because I am not, I tend to avoid it. He’d noticed and was inviting me back into the things that are important to him.
So, now that we are a month in, here’s what’s changed:
- I don’t like cooking any more than I did. But, I am more motivated to think ahead about what we are having and include my daughter in the process because she finds value in it. Side benefit, I enjoy being more prepared and we’ve had more family meals at the table.
- I already kept a pretty tidy home. It’s not about appearances. I just like to. It makes me feel less discombobulated. But, now when I am picking up (or helping her pick up/clean up her latest “adventure”) it feels less like a chore and more like a way I can uniquely love her in a way she values.
- We’ve played more board games as a family and my son is THRILLED. And while I don’t think I’ll ever be able to actually compete with him, I’ve learned enough for him to put me in my own little patch of grass in Minecraft to build something. Turns out, it’s not so bad and he is amused to watch me fumble alongside him.
Of course, the most important part about this post is not these specific examples. Your family and your kids will be totally different. The important part is the impact of learning “why” it might be valuable to do (or not do) something. I am 100% certain there are things I get worked up about or do that my kids could care a hill of beans about (neatly folding clothes comes to mind…they do not care). But, because I hadn’t asked, I was spinning my wheels in ways that were invaluable or neutral to them while missing the mark on things that were (fairly easy) home runs.
Let me be clear. Do my kids run my house? No. Not even close. But, do I want to be aware of and evaluate if there is a wiser, more fulfilling way to spend time with them in the handful of years I have them? Absolutely.
Here’s to parenting smarter, not harder. I’m for it.
Photo by Benjamin Manley on Unsplash, used with permission
Originally published January 30, 2024. Updated for freshness and clarity.
For more of Anne’s mental health and faith content check out her blog, Bible studies, and speaking engagements!
Anne Rulo 